Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Political Shit

"Sorry for the delay but that was a rather political shit," said E@L as he rejoined Matt in the golf buggy from the 16th hole comfort station at Horizontal Hills Golf Estate in Johor Bahru, Malaysia.

"..." (Matt looks at E@L)

"..." (E@L looks at Matt)

Matt parked adjacent to the white tees and took his driver, tee and ball up the to the tee-box. After a practice swing he relented to the pressure of his curiosity, even though he knew he would regret it. He owed E@L for that tip about moving his body position relative to the ball at address. At least he wasn't hitting the ball so high in the air now and his slice had practically disappeared. For the moment.

"OK, I give up. What do you mean by "political shit?"

E@L was struggling to remove a tee from his "convenient" belt golf-ball unit and tee holder. The long tees had been digging into his flesh. He stared up the distant hyper-green fairway. Everything was so lush, so fertile, so fecund, so brimming with the malignant desire to overgrow. So over-fertilised and over-watered, for the sales-brochures. He saw how the reservoir cut in on the right, how a pair of bunkers guarded the left just little beyond his usual driving distance.

"Well, as you may have noticed on the last few holes, there was a lot of hot air around."

"Right," said Matt struggling to insert his long soft tee into the ground with sharp hard jabs, finally pushing slowly with a gentle advance for success.

"So, lots of hot air. Then: there's the compromise," explained E@L.


"Had to take it slow... couldn't push too hard or I'd meet resistance, had to back off."

"OK, understand. Don't want to pop a blood vessel." Matt set his ball on the tee. He'd had to push slowly to get his plastic tee into the firm ground of the tee-box, he understood. Then, as he stood to line up for his swing, the ball fell off. He replaced it.

"Correct. One," said E@L. "The shit that killed Elvis. Bad thing. So, hot air, compromise. But the clincher? For all that hard work and big build up, the outcome was not impressive at all. It was not substantial and it didn't really satisfy anybody's needs."

Matt took another practice swing. The rush of air flying past the ball upset it from the tee again. He ventured a small laugh. And another.

"Then," said E@L, "the amount of paperwork required was totally disproportionate with the actual achievement in the first place. It just never seemed to end. Reams of it. Two"

"Reams. Legal issues, no doubt," suggested Matt, still laughing a little bit after he replaced the ball again.

"Perhaps. And of course, finally, as is typical for most half-arsed political bungles, it will have to done again quite soon as there is still a lot of unfinished business up there, and of course to fix up the loopholes and clean up the dangley bits."

"Indeed, loopholes, " said Matt who, with a whoof of a giant swing, smashed his golf ball into a high slice. And they watched it arc gracefully into the middle of the reservoir. Keeersplash!

"Crikey, Matt" said E@L, calculating. "Your next stroke will be... five."

E@L hit his straight at the bunkers; it drew slightly and threatened to bounce on and in, but ended up just short. A perfect lie.


Golf Report:

Horizon Hills - some quite good fun golfing here - not too long a course, not too challenging layout, but not boring either. Enjoyed the 9-lunch-9 format, though our teksi driver had to wait an extra 45 mins!

As it is a new course, the sand and clay underground can be a bit soft in spots, so they won't let you drive a buggy onto the fairway which was a nuisance as far as my foot-pain is concerned. So I tried (and often succeeded, accidentally) to hit near to the buggy path! My chipping let me down, but the greens are true, I only 3 putted twice. Two snowmen, and a toal of 106 - not having played for three months or so. I just need to play more, get back to threatening the 90-89 barrier.

The main problem with golfing in Malaysia is just getting through that bloody immigration queue at Johor Bahru! The APEC card doesn't help when you're in a teksi! (If we had our own [rental?]car we could come through at Tuas, the second bridge and checkpoint, and that would be much quicker.) It was a long day, changing taxis in JB, negotiating. We left at 8am returned by 6pm.

And it was not a cheap course, so in the end the day cost us S$200 each all up, meaning we could have played in an established Singapore club for that price (OK, excluding drinks and lunch) and had time left over to go shopping in Orchard Towers Rd in the afternoon! Next time!

BTW; note to certain friends (speaking of fecundity): if you have insist on having multiple children, don't expect to play too much golf either!



rambeaux said...

An outstanding lie indeed! If only for fun rather than profit....

expat@large said...

Outstanding bullshit in fact. I pulled my shot majorly and it went about 120m. At least it was near the buggy path. Matt did hit into the water though, that much was true. Twice. And his soft tee would not go into the ground either. That was not a metaphor, though I tried to make it into one.

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