Saturday, October 04, 2008

Shagging in Public

Here's a meme that should score some hits...


It was confession time this morning. A friend of mine who is no longer famous admitted to having shagged by the Singapore River late last night, near the multi-colored bridge not far from Gallery Hotel. I pressed her for details (natch! I'm always thinking of you guys!) Not just oral; full sex. With a friend, she modified, not some random guy. She seemed to think herself quite the outrageous tart...

"I once had a shag on a public bench in a park, surrounded by squawking swans," I casually countered, placing a coffee sachet in the new (2nd hand) Philips Senseo. I was in my late 30s at the time, hardly the over-hormonized youth, but still capable of outrageous acts...*

Her chin dropped. "Oh my god, really?"

E@L you wild action-adventure hero! I didn't mention that it was nighttime and I was petrified and drunk at the time and that the swans were more likely ducks or geese (I couldn't tell in the dark) that had been trying to sleep until our shenanigans disturbed them.

I had to drag the two of us into a park in order to gain some privacy, as afforded by the nocturnal conditions, for my partner (the sexual aggressor in the situation) seemed intent that it would be neither here nor there if we should do it outside the nightclub on the footpath, in the lights of the traffic streaming down Main St. Maybe she thought the pulsing lights meant we were still on a disco-floor, one of her other preferences for deeply intimate contact.

I decided that 'there', at the side of a billabong, in a nearby park, under some coolibah trees possibly, rather than 'here' on the street would be the safest bet for not getting arrested for public indecency and interfering with protected wildlife. I found a bench just out of the street-light, and a few ducks, geese and/or swans scampered away from us. In the fevered breathing and fretful searching among disheveled clothing (it is freaking cold in country Australia at night, this was not a nekkid thing) we managed somehow expose the appropriate regions of engorged flesh sufficiently to unite them briefly for some awkward but cathartic grunting...

Another safe bet would be to find a condom, but in the struggle to achieve our physical unification, one of the aggrieved bloody swans took it! (Not really, but wouldn't it be funny if...?)


I press the blue light on the coffee machine and a shot of espresso moistens the bottom of my cup. I seem to recall that the bench-top conflagration didn't last quite as long as it took me to prepare this nice coffee.

I seem to recall also that the lady in question sort of came to her senses
(omni animale sunt embarrassed post public coitus) at this point, and horrified at what had happened (again) started off at an exceedingly brisk pace in search of her hotel, in which direction she knew not, with E@L following up the rear shouting directions and apologies for allowing himself to be raped by her (again)...


I retire to my room, feeling a mixture of smugness and shame, and commence this blog.


So where, gentil reader, have you "done it?"


* (I'm not counting the semi-public performances of horrific indecency perpetrated by Bruce and the myriad others who write under the E@L pseudonym that have occurred behind the velvet drapes of certain clubs in Wanchai (HK), not to mention Manila, Phuket, Hanoi, Kiaoshung, Beijing, etc...)


Unknown said...

lol, you're lucky the swans didnt bite your ass :)

i hadnt realy thought about it until reading your post but i've met some very sexy woman who were keen to do it anywhere, probably more than half of the following were instigated by the woman.
raunchy/discrete public sex -

20 rows from the front of a david bowie concert in toronto

in hyde park, london during a pavaroti concert with a complete stranger i met on the bus going to the show - a wonderfully sexy woman who i dated for several months until fnding out she was married to sergant major in an elite army regiment.

twice on a plane; once in the toilet and once in a very empty economy section going across the atlantic

on the top deck of the helsinki-stockholm ferry so we could enjoy the midnight sun

on stage in bangkok strip club

in a hostel with other people present in the room, but that goes on a lot when backpacking

and the more traditional favouties - in the cinema, the top deck of the bus, in a train, in the pub, on the beach.

some very good memories - thank you for reminding me about them. It got me thinking about the girls involved - calmed down and married both of them - and although i'm still intouch with two i wonder about the others :)

expat@large said...

I've not spoken about ALL the beaches and parks and golf-courses and car-parks and back-yards etc, where I've done "it" as the ex-wife's family read this blog...

I was a good faithful boy until I got divorced you know. Most of my sexual experience until I was 35 or so was within those sacred cows, I mean vows.

A memorable time after that was on the narrow balcony ledge of the roof-top of my apartment, overlooking all of Hong Kong's bright lights, right under the window of then Executive Officer Tung Chee Wah.

Ah memories...

Unknown said...

lol, the roof of chunking mansions wasn't quite as glamourous. but still a great view

expat@large said...

Tyler: I wonder if a great deal of the mythology attending the venerable Chunking Mansions isn't apocryphal.

I know someone who witnessed a fatal throat-stabbing (Nepalese vs Pakistani) outside the 7-Eleven in Luard Rd Wancahi that was reported in the paper as happening at Chunking...

expat@large said...

Halima: yes indeed! I've often commented in these pages on how finding a convenient parking place in Kaduna and other African towns can be frustrating.

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