Pages

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Prostate Punishment Paradigm Must Not Persist! E@L Buys A Bicycle Seat

Q (Questioner A): E@L, what, in your traditionally humble opinion, is wrong with bicycle riding?

A: Not to put too fine a point on it Regis, the crux of bicycle riding evils, the bit that it all comes down to eventually, where all the weight is borne, as it were, is, in fact, the "taint".

Q (Questioner A): The what?
Q:(Questioner B): The "taint"?

A: Yes, Britney, I am referring to that delicate piece of not quite public flesh (except in your case, ha ha) situated between the Fun Park and the Sewer Outlet, as we used to say in our Primary School Religion Class when disproving the existence of God using our favorite "The Design Of The Human Body Is Counter-Intuitive" argument. The medical term for this piece of skin, which I learned later when cramming for an "Enema 101" exam, is the perineum. I think I've already told you, it's one of the few areas of the body which faces downward in standard human Anatomical Position.

In the male's body, it is the only external area directly over the prostate gland, which can be found using either very long needles (I used to do this for a living!) or more commonly, the pointy-pointy end of the typical bicycle seat. In the female, we are talking about the longer and much less fun way to stimulate the G-spot, but in my particulars, having been born a man, that's not so important.

Now, my Primary Issue with the riding of bicycle is that bicycle seats manufacturers have been operating under this pointy-pointy prostate paradigm for centuries, ever since Latvian proctologist Sir Rectmund Diretribe patented his first external prostate rupturing device, which he, in a fit of remarkable prescience, called The Bicycles, in 1789, after writing his Goethian masterpiece, The Originals of Young Werther's Sorrows - The Two Cycles Of Prostatism!. I do not use the word prescience lightly either, because it was a PRE-scientific article, in the sense that he had fortunately not tested his prostate machine in a randomised control trial of double blinded volunteers who had overdosed on sugar tablets. I do not use the word fortunately lightly either because blind diabetics are not the most appropriate users of the bicycle even in modern day Singapore, as there are no specific cycle lanes on any of the roads you'd need to ride on to go anywhere useful, however Dr Rectitude certainly made recta full of money when recalcitrant patients reversed the prostate probe section of his device through 90°, seated themselves upon it and fled from the mad doctor's obsessive reproductive theories and then sold the Bicycles on as a singularly successful method of transportation, creating a demand which the good Dr, ever the keen observer of market trends, capitalized on quickly with his efficient and loyal factories in Huangzhou, China.

Q (either one): So?

A: I bought a bike today, but I really hate traditional bicycle seats as they cause my arse to ache something chronic. So I looked up new designs on the internet and ordered one. It will be delivered in two weeks. In the meantime I'll try turning the conventional seat 180° around, point the prostate intruder out the back and make do.

So instead of the typical post-ride pointy-pointy prostate ritual - an anointy-nointy thing - I will be comfortable and relaxed in the pub, regaling all keen listeners with risible tales of my prowess and bicycular dexterity, of aunties and uncles sent scattering, of kiddies screaming in fear and/or amusement, of how many kilometres I journeyed and how many litres of fluid supplement I eschewed, of the sweat-absorbance characteristics of various brands of padded-crotch lycra shorts, etc... In short becoming a typical, totally boring Singapore expat loser with nothing else to do on the weekend except invade East Coast Park or Paluan Ubin. Which is precisely what I WILL be doing! It's matter of whether I'll really be loving it, or gritting my teeth and frowning like a true cynic the whole time I enjoy myself...

Q: Which freaky, weird, unconventional, have-to-be-different seat did you buy, Mr Smarty Arse?

A: I sent off an order for "The Seat" from Comfort Seat, which is a pretty much normal seat with a fairly wide arse support area but with the front bit, the prostrate puncher, just chopped off.



I've also made enquiries about having this one sent across as well, the Spiderflex Seat, a bifid affair, consisting of two pads for the ischial bones and that's it! That's the one I really want.




Really, you only need to carry your weight on your buttocks (the ischial tuberosities) if you're riding at anything less than Olympic level. Think about it, you don’t rest your weight on your symphysis pubis when you sit anywhere else except when you get your fat glutes onto a freaking bike. It's just unnatural. It's just a meme, a long-standing fashion habit, it's a paradigm.

In fact it's an entrenched, fucking painful paradigm… We really need a Thomas Kuhn to come along and have people STOP kicking themselves up the bum when they ride bicycles with these horrible unnecessary prostate/G-spot killers...

E@L

(And Knobby, I am sure you'll have some counter argument to this.)

15 comments:

Indiana said...

So when shall we go for a ride, we could start at Changi and ride back to my place for beer ~grin~

expat@large said...

Bike gets delivered Wednesday. 1st seat will be 2 weeks. But otherwise, yep, sounds like a plan.

expat@large said...

Having 2nd thoughts about the 20" frame. Should I've got the 18"?

savannah said...

i'll show you mine, if you show me yours, sugar! ;) xoxox







(bikes, of course.)

expat@large said...

Here's mine! behind the shelter shed!

Batbitch said...

Hmm, sounds to me like you're going to be a speed bump under a taxi pretty soon...

The Bludger said...

Well at least Singapore is flat, so riding the cycle is achievable.

JP said...

A timely and wise decision on your part (for the new seat) given CDC's recent announcement: http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/wp-solutions/2009-131/pdfs/2009-131.pdf ... but actually, you don't need an expert to tell you if you balls go numb it can't be a good thing. Have fun on the bike!

Paul Lewis said...

These seats may be comfortable, but a bit embarrasing to show in public.

The most comfortable seat I have ever sat on was on a 1950's tractor on farm.

The seat was one big piece of metal, that looked like someone moulded directly from their backside.

It was sprung by a large U shaped piece of steel, so it bounced nicely over the ruts in the field.

Of course, it would look a bit stange on a bicycle.

expat@large said...

BB: 'tis my fate I am sure, something to do with death and taxis.

Bludger: flatish. ISH!!

JP: Brilliant find, brilliant! I am so taking that to the bike shop tomorrow!

Paul Lewis: somebody is channeling you dude! Mercer Machine said exactly the same thing on Sunday night!

knobby said...

you're sykick man.. i was just thinking to myself, it can't be fun for him pedalling away in the gym, i should get him out on a proper ride. and there you go do it yourself!

apropos seats- i read your previous post and wanted to point out what you've already figured out: you're supposed to rest the arse on the whatchamacallit bones, not scrunch the fun park! to which of course you will ask why there then needs to be a pointy bit to the seat. short answer- i dunno. stability?

btw, my arse hurt like the dickens when i first got my road bike. it eases quickly. or i should say, it hardens up quickly! (side benefit of cycling)

btw2, you typical expat.. can't even spell pulau properly. tch, tch. most likely because you don't know that it means 'island' :) pulau tioman, pulau sentosa, pulau rice with raisins...

expat@large said...

Knobby: fuck off man, I was thinking of Palawan in the Philippines, just got back from Borocay remember...

I've answered why there's a pointy-nointy seat - mindless tradition! Same as people say they beleive in God when in fact they've never even botherered to question their paradigm, it just that Sunday seems like a good day to go to church and try to look holier than those snooty Winkersons from Pulau Jurong....

Drizzle drazzle drozzle drone, time for this paradigm to get the fuck out of here!

expat@large said...

p.s. knobby, you got any good cycle path maps?

dibabear said...

Most importantly does Orchard Towers have a bicycle stand?

expat@large said...

DiBabe: first thing I checked, swear to God; rode past it on the way home on Wednesday lunchtime, there was a guy getting off and clamping his bike to the fence at Harry's.

Free Podcast

Related Posts with Thumbnails