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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Batteries Not Included

E@L thought he was pretty much unshockable, but when he was presenting some illegal contraband (illegal in Singapore that is, and for a friend) at the HK Airport Mannings Pharmacy (same as Guardians), he noticed the prominent plastic case of an object labeled Durex Play Ultra. Don’t get ahead of the story and Google this yet, OK? The rounded edges and overall shape of the package threw E@L somewhat, as it didn't look to be an efficient way to package condoms, which is what he assumed was inside due to the prominent Durex label. E@L had once met the Durex marketing lady for China, as an aside. Interesting job. He picked it up briefly but was not wearing his glasses so couldn’t quite make out what was going on, but then the serving wench asked for some money, so he placed it back.

E@L paid for the chewing gum (also made of a derivative [not a popular word of late] of latex) and walked away, but as he went down the escalator to the Singapore Airlines Lounge, doubt and curiosity got the better of him. WAS it condoms in that package? He took an up-escalator back up and went to check out exactly what exactly was for sale here.




He put on his glasses. OMG! It was a latex thingie for the man's penis with a small battery powered stippled stimulator for the lady's whatsit ! The YouTube video above shows the plain version.

This one looks more elaborate, with a larger surface area for the bud tickler and sort of an emergency escape hatch at the back for the penis. The young Chinese lady behind the counter who had served him earlier noticed that he was back to look at the Durex item. She knew what it was of course. She giggled and sort of winked as he raised his eyebrows and expressed his amazement that such an object should be for sale and on display in a chemist shop. And placed at a the payment counter, AND at what would be eye-level for children. (I only thought this last bit, just now as I type this.)

Amused and shocked, E@L went back to the down escalators, muttering about the sad state of society these days, and thinking about what he could do with this discovery. It was like the "pleasure cream" which cures AIDS if you rub it on long enough he found in a hotel in China once. Obviously he could write this blog entry about it, maybe find a picture of it on the web, make a few jokes…

Then he thought, why not buy one? It was only $HK92 - what's that $S22? He could, like, try it out… With someone...

As E@L's mojo has been on 10 month sabbatical since his unsuccessful foot operation in January, maybe this device could be sufficiently amusing and arousing to kick-start the old desire engines, and get him out prowling for victims, er, companions. At least it would be a conversation starter. Or finisher. Or bring on a healthy bout of face slapping… At least he'd have the lady's attention!

Again E@L turned back towards the up-escalator and went into the Mannings once more. Of course there now were about 12 people crowding the check-out counter, making their purchases at that exact moment… He hung back, waiting for the crowd to thin. He felt like a 16 year old boy again, going to the chemist to buy a brown-paper-wrapped package of condoms… Hang on, he WAS at the chemist, and he WAS buying something made by Durex! But of course, E@L ain't 16 no more.

Eventually the people left but as E@L approached, that young Chinese lady attendant ducked under the counter to get something, and instead, out of nowhere, came this spray-toothed, black-mole faced crone to serve him. Shit, he would look like a, like a, sexual pervert to someone who hadn't shared the joke with him earlier, to this ugly old bat. He was torn between the desire to run away and the need to purchase a medium-firm rubber circlet to maintain the tumescence of an otherwise wilting erection, that had a battery powered vibrating additional piece of rubber positioned to strike at the clitoris (in the middle of everything) of any participating vulva, but only, obviously, at those times when the enringed penis was also completely envaginated, to the hilt as it were.

He was frozen in mid decision when the young lady popped and smiled at him.

"I'm going to buy one," he said to her as he handed the device to the old duck. The young lady rolled her eyes and made a strange/smiling face of humour and complicity. "To show my friends," he added. "For a joke..." The old woman had no idea what was going on here.

What WAS going on here? A bald fat old man was buying a sex-aid in public is what was fucking going on.

The next question is, when is it going on?

E@L

19 comments:

Indiana said...

Now you need to use it and then blog about whether it was a good investment at $22?

savannah said...

i couldn't stop reading, sugar! *blushing* xoxo

expat@large said...

Oh Sav, total revelation when we opened the box - BOTH my female flatmates were here, young Iz (ex-SPG, supposed sex-queen of Singapore) and M, my age, professional lady from HK. It's a weird shaped thing indeed. M was in her coaching element: gave us about 400 variations and possibilities of using the beast and even suggesting a second one turned up-side encricling the male's dangly bits and - get this- pointing backwards! We were all stunned (and I cringed)! Micheal Hutchence (INXS) would be alive and dying of a drug overdose today if M had been in Sydney directing his wanking technique all those years ago.

Then she and Iz stated on the sourcing and sexual uses of hospital-grade latex and of innocent PVC from the Spotlight store!

My God what sort of an place am I living in? I was shocked, readers, shocked! I'm just a plain old country boy of solid onion farming stock... And I feared, like an onion, we'd never get to the core of this issue! I retreated to my room and locked the latex beast away from those scarey girls!

PC said...

er.. isn't the device you mentioned freely available in *gasp* Singapore?

Alvin said...

You can even get it at the 7-Elevens in Singapore.

expat@large said...

Like the chewing gum, I think it maybe illegal to import a sex device without a license (M said as much last night), but Alvin, who obviously has more experience with these topics says - that doesn't mean it can't be sold. I'll have a look. While they are reusable, they certainly don't look eternal. Relatively cheap too.

A female friend, now in the UK, used to wear a gold cock-ring sculpted to resemble a daisy chain of fucking people, dangling from a neck chain into her cleavage when she went to high class social functions in HK. She'd get lots of compliments until people looked up close at what is was...

the VirginPornStar said...

Oh honey it's marvellous. I've used it a few times. Couldn't stop orgasming.

I'll show you when you get to Sydney? ;)

expat@large said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
expat@large said...

There you go everybody - a recommendation from an expert!

Thanks VPS - you'll show me what? exactly when I get to Sydney? You, having multiple orgasms? I live in dreams!

the VirginPornStar said...

My dear, I'll show you anything you want me to.;)

Indiana said...

See you post about sex and you get the most comments you have ever had, and an offer to try out your new toy...

...maybe a new blog direction?

expat@large said...

I'm coming over all giddy... Maybe my blood has been redirected and it can't get out!

Creepy said...

A man of the world such as yourself bashful when it comes to buying sex aids???

expat@large said...

Creepster: I *might* be playing up my shock and horror for dramatic effect. What was surprising to me was that the beast was for sale in a chemist tight at the sales counter, in plain view of any kids.

When I used to buy condoms as a kid back before the war (Desert Storm) they really were in brown paper wrapping. If AIDS has done one good thing, it's been the enormous increase in public awareness and acceptance of frank discussion on sexual health - as evidenced by the acceptance in most countries of the up-front sales and display of condoms.

But this was, as you say, a sex-toy not a health instrument! Condoms: the 003s are quite good BTW should you ever have to cease going bareback.

Alvin said...

This whole thing is quite creepy if you think about it. The govt's promotion of these devices (and illegalization of others) is a clear case of Foucauldian biopolitics: the population is encouraged to engage in certain acts (and steered away from others), with the desired result being lots of babies for the state!

expat@large said...

The often unstated, just as often blatant, core role of the family, the tribe, the village, the parish, the state, (occassionally, even the political party), the government, the church, the deity, has ALWAYS been to decide who is appropriately qualified to fuck whom... These authorities have always been fundamentally interested in where I place my penile discharges. Hence the kerfuffle about marriage rites and rituals, importance of "families", education, yada yada...

We (some of us) seem to have forgotten this.

The *purpose* of humans is to procreate; the role of many of society's structures is to regulate the quality and, dare I say it, purity, of the resultant offspring. It ALWAYS has been thus.

Get out of my park bench, you perverts! It's fucking amazing when you think about it.

scott said...

I have seen them for sale in the supermarket down here in Melbourne. I am interested to try one now after reading your tales.

expat@large said...

Scott: let us all know. I'm getting cold, um, feet... Might give to someone who is in a relationship. A hooker might run away!

It's a trust issue.

BTW: They are $18 here in Singapore - at the Guardian family chemist. Three types, the Ultra being the most complicated and most expensive.

dh said...

Does it help with prostate problems? I assume you have to take it off to pee.

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