Saturday, August 28, 2010

Diet Secrets Of Viktor Bout

Celebrity war-lords are stroking their AK-47s in envy wondering how their old buddy, Russian big-shot Viktor Bout was able to achieve such terrific diet results after only a few short years in solitary confinement.

Here's Vik as he prepares to enter the allegedly Hilton-owned Bangkok Health Spa Resort and Prison, back in 2008. A shade over our ideal weight aren't we, Viktor?


But here's Vik on his way to arranging a Stateside trip to further discuss the implications of that Colombian business deal, the one that ended so abruptly when the police stormed his room, and he's looking GREAT!

The redoubtable Mr Bout seems to gone a few bouts with the Bangkok Hilton diet-meister! He's trim, he's fit, OK he's maybe a tad gaunt (with that old double-chin turned into something of a turkey gobbler), but he still sports his winning surly frown and his charming greasy caterpillar on that wide upper lip. And are those lines on his face? They weren't there before - bloated with fat no doubt. Good one Viktor!

It's been an inspirational effort and a wonderful triumph of will-power for him to drop those kilos, even as he holds up his chains! Who wouldn't want to be him?

People are saying that there's now an even greater resemblance to the actor(?) Nic Cage, who played a Bout-like character in "The Lord Of War" just a few summers ago on 2005. (Where DO the years go? I'm sure Viktor would be wondering that as well.)

We asked Mr Bout what has worked for him. How did he go from such a bloated evil pig, making millions as he dealt in death and destruction through Africa's many civil wars (as Nic said in his cheery movie, "Someone's gotta do it!") to the desperate man who no longer has a BMI that throws him as deeply into the realm of obesity as he threw innocent thousands into their graves?

Was it easy or tough to shed his unhealthy avoirdupois? Did it involve of change of life-style, a new way of looking at the world*? A stress-free life; up to one's chained ankles in rat-piss, sleeping with one eye open amongst his fellow spa-patrons, the deadly, the dying and the dangerous (that's Bangkok for you!) No cable TV! No drugs except the odd kilo of home-made Ya-ba (I hef runny nose, more sudafed pliss), and a bit of tainted heroin smuggled in up the arse of a (very) close friend. No alcohol except what the boys distill themselves behind the backs of their Personal Trainers and Executioners, no gorgeous hookers (at least female ones) basking in his charismatic millions, and no more of that cholesterol-rich Beluga caviar.

So it all comes to the essential question, Viktor - was it diet or exercise?

"Bose," he grumbled in his richly evocative Russian accent. "Eat fucking bowl of overspice rice-soup tvice a day, and defend ass every night... Any-vun can lose shitload of vait!"

Incontestable words of wisdom there from the NEW Viktor Bout, super-healthy and ready for anything**! And yes we agree with you dear reader, we think that his new red outfit brings out brilliantly those charismatic, pitiless, ice-blue eyes.


* through prison bars
** that involves gun-running

1 comment:

Lost in Melbourne said...

What a charming Fella, you have a great life role model here...

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