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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Black Dog

As I left the supermarket tonight after doing my post-sashimi-dinner shopping, I felt a wave of immense sadness come over me. For no obvious reason, I felt like shit, like crying, like getting pissed on martinis all by myself. I got into a taxi without any delay and helped the driver navigate the tortuous route to my place, all of 500m away as the crow flies. I kept wondering why I would suddenly feel this hollow blackness throughout my gut. It still has not passed. My comments on other blogs tonight reflect the bitterness of my mood.

Was it merely bad sashimi? (Good name for a band?) Or that that plate of so-so sashimi was all that I had eaten all day (since breakfast, I mean)?

Was it something of the 'black dog' that afflicted that wonderful peacemaker Winston Churchill, something of the 'black veil' of Rick Moody [sic], something of the 'visible darkness' of William Styron? No, I am not the depressive type. I don't think. Probably why I am not as creative/productive as I should be - too busy having fun, mostly.

Was it the thought of all those people killed in the Victorian bushfires?

Was it that there was no-one in when I had come home earlier this evening? The house echoed a stillness. I hate being alone too long, the silence bugs me, that sense of rejection it implies, but I also crave the gratifying solitude I gain when I am rejecting someone who is sitting right near me. Go figure.

Was it that the Pub Quiz I was so looking forward to was cancelled as everyone is out of town except two of us. We need 5 to make the team and I only found out at the last minute - hence, no I didn't call you, and hence the sashimi and green tea dinner rather than fish'n'chips and multiple Kilkennys.

Was it because I didn't bring my iPod on the walk to the supermarket and had to listen to my own maudlin thoughts as I rambled up the street, rather than the wailing blues guitar of Buddy Guy (as I am now - a great version of Lay Lady Lay)?

Was it that one of my good buddies has to have surgery soon for a serious prostate condition and he is younger than me.

Was it that I am a just morose bastard? Sometimes this is true.

Was it that I am fat and horrible and ugly and a total bastard? That couldn't be it - hell, I revel in being such an anti-social anti-fashionable anti-stereotype... type.

Was it that there is a fucking Harry's bar everywhere you turn these days! I met the Harry's guy somewhere at a wine-tasting once. You can have too many Harry's Bars, trust me. Just like you can have too any franchises in general, too many Credit Default Swaps (overvalued cows), too many fatally flawed acquisitions, too many bad debts in your portfolio, too much hubris and bravado and pay too big bonuses to idiotically greedy CEOs...

Was it that there is an immense world depression around the corner and that no-one looks anywhere near like knowing what to do to prevent it?

Was it that I will no doubt lose big time on my purchase of a unit in Noosa? At least in the short term.

Was it that I laid out my revised book plot to Izzy (the flat-mate, remember her?) last night then went to bed and slept without writing any of it down. And the essence of the plot twist comes from a memory - I just realized that I had been a genuine bastard to someone once, and hardly even thought about it at the time. Probably ruined their life. No, it wasn't you.

Was it that I won't be going to Tokyo for the training in April after all, and miss some great food (the training will be crap and tremendously ad hoc as usual). (However No1 Son and GF will coming up to Singapore for a few days in April! I feel better already thinking about that! Except I have nowhere for them to sleep yet.)

Was it that I spent 3 hours this afternoon with my mouth stretched open while someone constructed some serious new infrastructre in there, the way Ivor Kants put together a maze of scaffolding inside Judy Morris's tiny bathroom in Peter Weir's 1979 gem The Plumber. I tried to wash out the noise with some iPodded Beethoven but it didn't work. The drill and the violin kept harmonizing in my sinuses... The partial cap that kept falling out over the last month or so was broken and had to be reconstructed - I had to sell some CDS to the tune of $1260 for the privelege.

Was it that the anaesthetics are wearing off and I am merely ill with my tooth's slow fading memory of the pain it felt but couldn't tell me about at the time.

Was it that I buy and buy all these fucking books without the possibility of ever reading them. Am I a fucking idiot? Currently a fan of pretty much anything published by New York Review of Books. Most of their mid 20th century lost European classics turned up on my desk yesterday, courtesy of Amazon. Fuck the current zeitgeist, take me back to Paris or Berlin with all the other expats, exiles and émigrés.

Was it that The Boss has just sent out an email reminding everyone (um, that'd be me) that office hours are 8:45 to 5:30 and asked everyone (um, that'd still be me) to honour them. The current Boss is about be upgraded with a new model, actually an older, more establishment guy and we are all quaking in our lazy boots. Turn up on time? What next, paperwork?

Or was it that the world truly is meaningless and shite and so are we all in despair if we have half a brain to recognize this, and that my blog is just a scrap of electronic toilet paper floating out to cyber-sea...

~~~~~~~~~~

Actually I feel much better after typing all this. I feel like some emo teenage girl who has had a big heart-to-heart on Facebook with her closest 5,644 friends.

Who said catharsis sucks?

Ah, time for that martini.

And how was YOUR day?

E@L

8 comments:

Momentary Madness said...

Was it what?
I‘m glad you feel better, I‘m goin‘ to bed with a benzo.

That Kilkenny blows me up like a balloon. I like it but can’t drink it.

Good post.

savannah said...

*ack*

compared to ya'll...ah am jes peachy! xoxoxo

Muz said...

Have been reading this blog for a couple of years and find it a good read however... maybe I'm getting old but black on blue is so hard on the eyes. Any chance of a 'friendlier' colour scheme?

expat@large said...

MM: there's the difference between you and me; I drink it but I don't like it. It's part of the zeitgeist.

Sav: lucky you, all you have to do is Drive Miss Daisy Crazy.

Muz: thanks for lurking. Shees, NOW you complain about the colours? It read easy on my laptop is what counts. My eyes hurt if the contrast is too severe. I want to be a little different, I want to be unique, in fact... I WANT to break free-eeeee!

Indiana said...

Martini's. The usual place. Tomorrow night. Usual time. You in?

expat@large said...

Indy: OK, just for one or two...

rockstar69 said...

Was that one or two dozen???

expat@large said...

"I love to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
Four and I'm under the host."
Mrs Parker.

"The first half of the martini should be taken in silence while one communes with the drink itself. After the first half has been finished, one is permitted to talk with one's neighbours, but only about martinis."
Or something, paraphrased from Frank Moorhouse Martini: A Memor

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