Just in from: MurdochBreakingBlogs, (All The News, Ever, Whether You Want It Or Not)
Stardate: 2148, June 30th.
NewYork: 21st Century criminal Bernie Madoff, who did something wrong so long ago the method of archiving the criminal records is so out of date we can't read it, was released 21 years early today, on a good behaviour bond and because of his milestone birthday. Madoff, who is now exactly 200 years old, was sentenced to 150 years in jail way back, shit long time ago, in them old days, if you can believe that.
"If they'd sentenced me to death, it would all have been over a looooooooong time ago," he opined through artificial lips in front of his cloned larynx with air expelled from his xenotransplanted lungs by a bionic diaphragm. "I just want to die," he continued. "I've been taking it up the clister in the shower blocks for the last 130 years, enough already! Stick a fork in may ass and turn me over, I'm done."
When the sunlight finally hit Mr Madoff's aged body as he ventured out into the street, an unfortunate and unexpected chemical reaction occured which caused the ex-con to burst into flames, and within seconds his smouldering black ashes were dissipated up Wall St by a sudden gust of wind that came out of the ass of nowhere, like a divine fart of retribution. As his remains scattered, the wind seemd to cry, "Good fucking riddance, you thieving, lying, sociopathically greedy fucking bastard," but that could merely be this ancient, poor reporter's vivid imagination as he put down his large bucket, emptied now of petrol, and put the matches back into his pocket.
Meanwhile in Cell Block H(ell) Parole Board Hearing Room, through a barred window overlooking the scene just described, someone called Alan Sandford, with a similar 20 years left on his sentence for crimes of an unknown nastiness, was seen to immediately call the to guard for more sunscreen.
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